The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
