did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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