Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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