She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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