I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
