sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Houston, we have a blender
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize
