he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
