I wish my penis had an off switch
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
