well you can't waste a boner
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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