Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
