Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
