Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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