we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
