dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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