i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
