a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
