i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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