i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
