omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
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In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
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masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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