4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
