She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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