Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
