my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
