so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
