I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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