I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
