So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize