Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.