sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
