dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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