the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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