Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
