I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
