you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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