mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
