$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
