ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
