i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
