What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
