I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
