I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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