how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
