Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Randomize
