I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
