Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
