I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
