My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
