i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
