Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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