dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize