Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
