I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Randomize
