The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
