oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Holy sore nipples Batman
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
