I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
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