If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Can you bring me the toilet please
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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