Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
