Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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