Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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