I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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